This is going to be a mindless rant so if you aren't interested please skip reading this now! What the fuck is with people today??? I am so sick and tired of people in general who have it good and just don't see it. I'm sick and tired of people who have these HUGE faults and when you inherit them actually think they have the RIGHT to BITCH at you for doing the same thing as them... when they're STILL MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE! What the fuck is wrong w/ these people! I'm pissed and annoyed and aggrivated... with the people who are pissing me off and also myself. I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to NOT finish college and get stuck in a dead end job and hate my life before I turn 25. I said I wasn't going to ever wallow in self pity when I felt all alone in the world because I don't see things like everyone else and when my goals were different from everyone else. I'm angry with myself for being stuck in this position. I believed for SOOOO long that I was destined to make a difference... somehow, somewhere. And now I sit back and wonder just how naieve I was. And was I? Or am I just stuck?? I mean people (and people are sheep so how much weight should their statements hold anyway) always say that it's never too late... but I wonder is it??? Did the lazy path I wandered down so many years ago doom me to always be miserable??? To always want more? Can it be fixed?? And if so where the fuck do you start trying?
Ok so this weekend was strangely enlightening for me. I talked alot this weekend, but a couple of conversations stuck with me. It's very easy for me to forget to live. I can get into a habit of just going through all the motions of life, i.e. going to work, hanging out with my friends... I just do those things, but I don't really feel like I'm living my life. Or even that I'm the one IN my life sometimes. It's like there's this other person inhabiting my body and just surviving. But what's the point of that??? I mean if you don't get any benefit out of your own life then isn't it just pointless?? I get all wrapped up in the things that I haven't done that I "should have by now" that I keep forgetting that every day you waste is just another day deeper into the abyss that you can't get back. I haven't enjoyed my life in a really long time. Just because I'm 24 and haven't finished school, or even begun to figure out what I want from life doesn't mean I'm a failure. Although it feels that way most of the time. I'm stuck in this evil holding pattern and I don't know where to begin to drag my way out of it. HOWEVER, even though I don't have the slightest clue where to actually start I am committing myself to this (no matter how cheesy it sounds): life every day. for me. and try to enjoy it, shitty job and compounding debt and all.
I was updating my bio and managed to create the perfect man on paper since this person will never exist I think this well solidifies my life as an under overachiever...
Look like Josh Duhamel, have Brad Pitt's body, have the happy half of Dr. Carter's personality, the romantic side of Christian Slater in Bed of Roses, Johnny Knoxville's spontaneity w/o of course the juvenile nature, Will Smith's sense of humor, be as smart as drlele and stephen combined, play all my favorite classical songs on the piano by rote, enjoy reading and walks on the beach, like the movies and music that I do, be self sufficient, be loyal, possess the ability to deal with all my quirks, believe that i am the only woman on earth for him, enjoy sports but not be insane about watching EVERY football game that is ever played, enjoy karaoke, be crazy enough to hang with my crowd of lunatics while still able to be grounded enough to spend time with my low-key family w/o feeling like it was some type of calculated artificiality, oh yes and he will have a job with absolutely no stress that pays enough to keep me in the life which i intend to grow accustomed too.
have i forgotten anything lele????
Growing up being told you are the smartest of your siblings is such a traumatizing event. As the youngest, constantly being told how easy I had it, ruined me. I was the best at anything I did... ok so anything involving your brain I mean. I never did the sports/athletic thing. Basically I succeeded in everything. I never made a B until High School. Standardized tests, ha. What a joke. Music, I was always the lead in my section, and always in the top group. Literature, math, you name it, I was awesome at it and always ten steps ahead of the crowd. I could have gone oh so many places... So what do I do instead? Fail. I failed much sooner than my friend drlele. She managed to keep achieving through high school and get accepted into good colleges. I quit achieving long before that. Then I went on to drop out of one college and two universities. Now I live a hodge podge life of confusion, reminded daily by my menial job as a supervisor in Big Box Retail of all the things I could/should have done with my life. What a depressing spectacle I am. Thus the reason for this wonderful community with the bestest, most understanding friend a gal can have. Hoping to meet more people out there like us. To join in the quest for unused potential.
As co-moderator of this lovely community with nolajax, I would like to extend a hand of welcome to all those that stumble onto this little den of iniquity. I, in my youth, was an over-achiever. Name and picture in the newspaper and on the television, wonderful grades, star athlete, lots of friends, creative and talented. Even a brief foray into cheerleading. I was thought to be a girl who was going places. I got into every college I applied to and was offered obscene amounts of money. In college, the grades continued to be outstanding, but I kind of lost track of all the rest. Then I was rejected by every grad school that I applied to. I was forced to return to my parent's house, shamed and humiliated, and live off their beneficence. Since that moment, I have tried once more to apply to grad school, but Hurricane Ivan struck on the day I was to re-take my GRE's and there was not a make-up appointment to be had. Now I'm mired in a 9 to 5 drudgery of a job where I am not respected and abused as their best of burden to foist paperwork upon. Don't get me wrong, I am a well-paid beast of burden, but a beast of burden nonetheless.
If this sounds like you, join up, and we can all waste our potential together. We'll talk of our lives, but do very little to change them.